Oct. 06, 2004 - 6:25 pm
Here it is, folks. This is what you've all been waiting for. This is... Stump's Diary - On Location at Starbucks!
I'm writing this from Andrew's laptop. Andrew's NEW laptop. The old one had a battery shaped like Utah.
Did you know they don't have any fresh peaches in Utah? Just canned peaches and four wives. And hopefully four can openers, so each wife has something to do.
Miraloma has a special deal on a certain nosegay of flowers. They call it the "Andrew screwed up" special, and it's $7.99. Andrew has to buy one every time he screws up in a relationship. So needless to say, he's Miraloma's biggest customer.
Andrew: I'm just gonna give her some flowers! What's the worst that could happen?
Stump: Well, you could accidentally give her the flowers upside-down, and one of the stems could poke her in the eye, and she would get rushed to the hospital where she'd die a bloody painful death. But it's not likely.
It's too bad the world can't solve all of its problems with the "Andrew screwed up" special. It would be a much better place if Bush would just buy some Miraloma flowers, and give them to Bin Laden, saying, "I'm sorry I was such a control freak. I really thought about what you said, and I'm sorry. Woody says hi." Then Osama would say, "No one in America ever gave me flowers before," and he'd give Bush a great big hug.
Andrew: Sometimes they give me my drink on the house. It sucks, I have to climb up on the roof and shit.
I also have some rather exciting news. If you've heard the rumors, I'm telling you now that they are true. Yes, about two weeks ago, I bought some Dr. Scholls Gel Insoles, so I am now, in fact, gellin'. And it's so comfortable, it's unlike anything I've ever felt before.
You know what? Gellin' is something that could also make the world a better place. If everyone everywhere were gellin', we'd have no more problems. Bush's and Bin Laden's feet would be too comfortable for them to wage war upon one another. Bin Laden would be like, "Let's stop all the yellin'. 'Cause I'm gellin'." And Bush would say, "I'm not very good at spellin'. But it's okay, 'cause I'm gellin'!" Bin Laden would probably even get a gel pad in his turban.
The only problem with that is, eventually we'd run out of things that rhymed with gellin'.
On this particular Tuesday... you could've watched six hours of Lucy! There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy!
